…but I did it before!

Does that mean I can do it again?

Yes and no.

Yes, I can do it again.

No, it won’t be the same, nor will it be easy.

Here’s the up-to-date version of my story (Coles Notes – ain’t nobody got time for the entire thing). Four years ago, began losing weight. Two years ago, came close to hitting the 80 pound mark. Spent the last two years gaining back about 30 of those pounds.

Been a great two years, clearly.

So here I am now, struggling relentlessly to lose those 30 pounds I gained back. Actually, I’ve spent the past year attempting to lose about 25 and instead gained 5. So there’s that. And through all my struggles I’ve said one thing over and over again – “But I did it before, why is it so hard this time?!”

Why IS it so hard this time, honestly! Well, a few reasons…

• I’m not following the same program, I attribute my past success to that. But the program I was following, that worked, isn’t really available anymore (the Points Plus Weight Watchers program got phased out about a year ago, and I could not handle their new Smart Points system. Plus, the cost was getting to be too much.)
  • Side note: I do realize there are third-parties using the Points Plus math in mobile apps, but it wasn’t JUST that point system that helped. It was that, combined with the incentive of paying to lose weight, plus the meetings, etc.
• I went off the pill. I know that sounds ridiculous, but in the midst of all my weight loss last time, I went onto the pill, and part of me has always wondered if that helped my weight loss. Gains came when I went off the pill. Entirely possible, no way of proving this though.
• I’ve… aged? This one is a stretch but I’ve had a few people point out that I’m “not that spry 24 year old I used to be!” I wouldn’t think four years would affect it this much, but I’m not an expert here.
• Good lord, Kaitlyn. It’s not the same journey. That’s why it’s not as simple! You are treating it like it’s the same god damn weight loss journey when it is not.

Yeah, I needed to talk to myself for that last point there. I’ve been treating this, for the past two years, like I needed to re-lose the weight I’d already lost. Not lose weight I’d put on, but like it was… temporary water weight. Something that would be easy to lose.

So here I am, again. Attempting to re-start this blog. I will be changing the background -I’m no longer that indestructible, happy 24/25 year old girl who is okay with poutine once in a blue moon. I’m a defeated 28 year old woman who wants to give in to every craving 24/7. I need happiness and sanity and health. I need to get well, and I need to eliminate any potential distraction. I need to do this differently and I need to do what is best for me. Now, to figure that out…

Day 1 plan:

• Stay within my calories.
• Don’t give into cravings or temptations.
• Drink 2L of water.
• Get to the gym.
• Find one thing to love about myself, or be proud of myself for.

All of these pointers are key in developing an overall plan, but I’m going to take this day by day. See you tomorrow, blog-land.

Fears.

What are some of my biggest fears?

– Losing those close to me

– Spiders (and various other creepy-crawlies)

– Fish, oddly

– Breaking back into the 200’s (weight, obviously)

– Life-altering illnesses

…and so on.

It’s not even 8 AM so do me a favor and don’t judge my lame list o’ fears, which are in no particular order.

Anyway, since this is a weight loss blog, I’ve gone and bolded/underlined the most relevant one there for you. Returning to the land of the 200’s. Something I legitimately said I would never, ever do. There’s no way I possibly could, right?

Wrong!

I haven’t yet returned there officially, but as of yesterday I am pretty damn close. Vacation started 10 days ago. I was 188, which, frankly, was RIDICULOUS (for me). Vacation ended? 197. And that was first thing in the morning; I have no doubt in my mind the poutine, burger and burrito that I ate yesterday sent me soaring into the 200’s. It’s something I’m terrified of admitting and, frankly, I may not even hit that Publish button.

(That sentence alone is full of reasons that I’ve gained weight; I see that, don’t worry!)

I know the common excuses everyone gives for quick gains; water weight, no one gains fat that fast, right? Well, I shot up from the high 170s to high 180s real fast and stayed there for quite some time. I thought THAT was water-weight and tried not to get tied up in that, but it stayed.

Anyway. Two things learned from this:

1. Time to get serious, for actuals this time.

2. Weight is just a number. Time to get serious about my HAPPINESS. Which should NOT revolve around a number. 

I don’t quite know how to get to both of those places, because I’ve always equated weight with happiness, but I’m sure as hell going to try.

Anyway, I had to get that all off my chest because I’ve been hiding from that truth, and it’s time to fix things. That is all. Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Confessions of a Misguided Soul

I know, I know. That title is cheesy and ambiguous. Cut me some slack; there are only so many adjectives one can use to describe themselves in a “confession” state. I’m running out of ideas. Don’t get me wrong, I have a list in the works. It’s just a short one…

Back on topic. So you’re trying to lose weight. Why, exactly? 99% of losers (that’s both a correct statistic AND correct terminology. Source: Kaitlyn) will indicate their happiness as a factor in their decision to lose weight. It was my number two reason (see earlier post; my mom was the number one factor). But happiness is such a devious character, I’ve come to learn.

I am quite active on a message board for Weight Watchers members (hey, ladies!), and I have a quite vivid memory of a post a few months ago, from a girl discussing happiness. She went on to say that she assumed losing weight was the key to ultimate happiness.

This was 100% how I felt.

At the time, I remember being just over 200 pounds. I have a vivid recollection of myself thinking this woman was insane. She had to be lying. Weight loss IS happiness, who is she to say otherwise?

Well first of all, past-Kaitlyn, let me correct you on a few things.

1) Weight loss is not happiness. It is merely weight loss.

2) Every person is different. Every story is different. Although weight loss may be the key to happiness for you, it isn’t for everyone.

So, anyway. I have learned this and moved along. But I still am waiting for my own magical weight-loss-life-happiness. Where is it? It’s supposed to come. Will it come in 22 pounds? 42?

Maybe. Maybe it will. But I’m now reluctant to believe it, and frankly, don’t want to get my hopes up in case it doesn’t. I do feel misguided in this, but what am I to do? Life is too short to dwell on the incorrect information that has been provided to me, whether it be from my family, friends, or the media.

I need to find more than one thing in life that makes me feel happy and feel accomplished.

Maybe weight loss, in the end, will make me feel this way. But what if it doesn’t? I think it’s a good idea to have multiple goals in life. Not for the sake to accomplish them all, but in case one fails. Failure is inevitable. If you bought a car in hopes of getting from point A to point B, and it breaks down halfway, what do you do? Hopefully you have a back up plan. Who says we can’t do this with our happiness?

A happiness back up plan. It isn’t negativity, it’s preparedness.

I was misguided but it wasn’t too late to fix it. Maybe weight loss will make me feel accomplished, maybe it won’t. If it doesn’t, hopefully by then I will have a second goal to make me happy. Or a third.