Confessions of a (lazy) Epileptic

Pick five words to describe yourself. Go.

Me? Quirky. Silly. Lazy. Excitable. Epileptic.

I’m sure I could think of more for myself. But those are five that I would say describe me, and two that I wish didn’t.

Yes – I have Epilepsy. What’s Epilepsy? I have seizures. What’s that Kaitlyn, you fall on the ground and foam at the mouth? No. I have a combination of Simple Partial seizures and Complex Partial seizures. They have little to do with my motor skills and plenty to do with me just acting like a complete crazy person for a minute. The most they affect my motor skills is my eyes twitch (and I’m pretty sure I look possessed – I am completely unconscious when they happen and therefore lose memory of that minute or two of my life).

I have once had a Grand Mal (Tonic Clonic) seizure, but that was my own fault. I was 15 and went cold turkey off my meds because, as the stupid 15 year old I was – I wanted to go drink with my friends. Needless to say I didn’t drink, but instead woke up in a hospital hooked up to machines.

Anyway, so you’re sitting there reading this wondering, “What in the world does this have to do with Weight Loss?!” I’m sure. Well, there’s a story here!

When I was 14 or 15, I was put in the hospital for five days for testing. They wanted to induce a seizure to see what exactly happens to me when they happen. I was hooked up to a million machines and stuck in a room for five days. Not to mention this was when the SARS outbreak happened, so I was only allowed two visitors – my mom and my sister. They had me do so many things to try to get me to seize. The one thing that FINALLY worked? They had me run on a treadmill (or was it a bike? I can’t really remember…) I was going HARD, then put on “Catch Me if You Can”, lied down completely EXHAUSTED, and had a seizure in the bed. No one was around but there was cameras in the room so it was caught on tape. Good news: ticket out of the hospital. Bad news: exercise made me seize.

To this day, I am afraid of going too hard at the gym in fear I might seize. And I really get worried that, because of my lazy tendencies, my fear of the gym sometimes comes across as excuses/laziness, because I rarely admit to my fears. But I’m not even sure if it’s just all in my head, or if its actually something that could happen. Lets face it: they were TRYING to make me seize – I was not medicated. I am very medicated now.

Learning your own personal limits and ignoring others telling you what is right and what needs to happen is sometimes a tricky line to face. I constantly have friends telling me to go to classes at my gym because they’ll “help”. I’ll admit this openly: I’m AFRAID of those classes. I’m very in control of my limits and don’t like being pushed. But sometimes I wonder – should I try to be pushed past my limits? Should I try setting my fitness goals higher than normal?

I shouldn’t be concerned with what others think of me, but I really don’t want to come across as lazy when it comes to my exercise. Sure, I’m lazy when it comes to cooking, cleaning, taking out the trash, doing my hair, makeup, etc. But I don’t want to feel lazy when it comes to my exercise.

I’m really usually one to face my fears, but this is a fear I don’t quite know how to conquer. And I rarely admit this to anyone, but this is why I sometimes “skip” going to the gym. I always regret it and always feel lazy, but sometimes I just need to remember that my brain health is more important than my physical health, especially when my physical health is on the mend and isn’t completely trashed.