Confessions of a Mental Case

As a follow-up to my previous post, I wanted to post something on the topic of the mental ups-and-downs of weight-loss. Mostly because I haven’t been able to completely comprehend them myself, and I figure writing things usually helps me understand.

My last post, although it touched on a combination of mental AND physical hardships through losing weight, well… there is a lot more mentally than just figuring out your physical shape. LET ME TELL YOU. It gets crazier in your head as time goes on.

Change, in any way, shape or form, is hard for most people. If you’re not one of those people, you… suck. Because I hate change. And I don’t comprehend being a person that accepts change, it is not me. But I wish it was how I worked.

Oh, and before you go assuming your assumptions and judging your judgments, I’d like to set one thing straight. There is not much I am 100% sure of in this world, but one thing I am certain about is I am completely, mentally sound. I don’t mean to say that in a “haha, you suck, I’m better than you” way, I mean it in more of a prefacing way. Because I may come across as a mental case. Especially, you know, considering the title of this post… I may be a bit crazy on most days that end in -y, but I’m mostly intact when it comes to my personal mental capacity.

So here goes…

Weight loss, for me, was not something easy to choose to do. I was the fat kid for most of my life. That statement, itself, just goes to show my self-esteem levels. I’m easy about making fun of myself, most people see it as low self-esteem. I see it as, well, me being honest. I can see the truth in things, and am willing to face facts. There are also some gender issues there — if a male says he was the fat kid, most people wouldn’t immediately assume he was saying that because he has low self-esteem. You would assume he is saying that because it’s, well, true.

Anyway, so I was the fat kid for most of my life. My friends are all of “regular” build, as previously mentioned. Sure, some of them I’m sure have things they would change about themselves — but who doesnt?

I come from a line of overweight people. My family has always struggled with their weight. Such is life.

The biggest mental block with weight loss, is starting to lose weight. It’s like quitting smoking. You often see smokers quit, fall off the wagon, and are smokers again. It is the same with weight loss. For years, I had a mental block at 20 pounds. I lost, and gained, the same 20 pounds, over and over and over. And for the ladies out there — I don’t recommend this. Gravity does not like you when you do this.

This block, I could not pass alone. Frankly, in January 2012, at nearly 250 pounds, I did not want to lose weight. I know, that sounds insane. But I was not in any place to lose weight. I was in denial about that number, and I just wanted to stay where I was, eating out day-after-day.

It was my mother who changed things for me. My mother is probably the most inspirational person in my life.

I watched my mom quit smoking. Something which, honestly, I never thought would happen. When my mom asked me if I wanted to join Weight Watchers with her, I’ll be honest with you — I didn’t. But, at the same time, I lived with her, and I wanted her to succeed. If she was surrounded by 3 other people in the house, who were eating crap for breakfast, lunch and dinner, she would not do well. I want my mom around for a long time. Seeing her quit smoking was a huge deal for me. I get my mommy for a longer time. To see her take her weight into her hands, to keep herself around even longer… how could I say no?

Once I started this time around, it became… easy. I know, that sounds awful for people who struggle, because it isn’t easy for everyone, and it wasn’t always easy for me — this isn’t the first time I’ve tried. But you eventually learn to push aside those thoughts of fat-covered-sodium, and you begin craving salad. Truth here — my background image on this website makes me crave nothing. I love poutine, and past-Kaitlyn wouldn’t be able to survive.

People ask me how long I’ve been doing this, and I tell them. Some people react differently. I often get the whole speech on how I should have lost more weight by now, and maybe Weight Watchers isn’t the best because you lose slowly. Those people are usually judgmental asshats — or at least that is how I like to judge them back. I’m not running a race. I’m just sitting back and living a new lifestyle, while these pounds float off. It seriously gets easier. Sure, there are days where all I crave is chocolate, pizza, chocolate pizza, etc. That’s when the biggest mental battle begins, and those are the times where my boyfriend usually becomes my worst enemy — he always gives in to my cravings. I have learned to never regret what I eat, though. And I think that is the biggest mental block I’ve surpassed. If you regret what you eat, you will dig yourself into a bigger hole in your head, and just fall right off the bus. Regret does nothing good for you.

I have also had weird out-of-body experiences with my weight loss. I look back, kind of step outside of myself, and think;

“Could I do this again? Could I really lose 60 pounds again?”

And my answer has always been an astounding…

“YES!”

… and not because it was easy. But because I’ve loved every second of this journey so far. And frankly, I may have another 40 or so pounds to go (I’ll be honest — I’m not sure what my “goal weight” is yet), so I better think I can do this again!

Getting through the mental challenges of weight loss are usually the hardest parts. Some people need their own mantra’s to do it. For me, there is a quote by JRR Tolkien that has kind of stuck with me.

“Little by little, one travels far.” — JRR Tolkien

So there’s your homework, faithful reader. Find your mantra. And anytime you have a mental battle between you and yourself (weight-loss related or not), repeat this to yourself. I chose one that could be applied anywhere in life.